The Joke Thread

[Ceej]

If you've got a joke to share, it belongs here.



See? I'm laughing already!

Keep it clean. Follow the guidlines that govern the forum.

[Ceej]

Darn Snow

CJ

_________________

Tyrde-Browne Racing

I'm off to find myself. If I should return before I get back, keep me here.

[Ceej]

The Oklahoma Department of Labor claimed a small Kiowa County farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate.

Department of Labor investigator: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.
Farmer: " Well, there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $50 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
Department of Labor investigator : That's the guy I want to talk to...the mentally challenged one.
Farmer: "That would be me."

_________________

Tyrde-Browne Racing

I'm off to find myself. If I should return before I get back, keep me here.

[exoJjL]

hahaha

_________________
'73 Scamp (the girlfriend): 225ci super/6 2BBL conversion (Almost done!)
'90 Subaru, wagon (the wife): H4-cyl 2.2L

1977 Mercedes-Benz 300D, 5cyl diesel(For sale!)

[USAJon]

Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit –

A small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."

Mario asks, "And what do I do with these things, doc?"

The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.
If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen!',..........you hit her with the shovel."

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slant six's RULE!
http://www.usajon.com

[emsvitil]

There was a scientist doing experiments on frogs. He would get a frog to jump and then measure the distant it jumped.

With the first test he set a frog down and said "Jump frog Jump" and the frog jumped 15 feet.

He said to himself I wonder how far a frog could jump with just 3 legs? So, he cut off one leg and said "Jump frog Jump" and the frog jumped 10 feet. So he wrote down in his book, "A frog with 3 legs can jump 10 feet."

He then cut off another leg and said "Jump frog Jump" the frog proceeded to jump 8 feet and he wrote down, "A frog with 2 legs can jump 8 feet"

He decided again to cut off another leg and set down the frog and said "Jump frog Jump" the frog jumped 5 feet, so he wrote in his book "A frog with 1 leg can jump 5 feet. "

He said to himself I wonder what would happen if I cut off the frogs last leg? So he did and said "Jump frog Jump" and the frog just laid there, once again he said "Jump frog Jump" still nothing. So one more time he said JUMP, FROG, JUMP" He got out his book and wrote conclusion, "A frog with no legs apparently loses his hearing."

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Ed
64 Valiant 225 / 904 / 42:1 manual steering / 9" drum brakes

[raPoM]

Hahahahaha

[exoJjL]

haha good one

_________________
'73 Scamp (the girlfriend): 225ci super/6 2BBL conversion (Almost done!)
'90 Subaru, wagon (the wife): H4-cyl 2.2L

1977 Mercedes-Benz 300D, 5cyl diesel(For sale!)

[stonethk]

This horse walks into a bar...the bartender looks at him and says:
"Why the long face?"

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[raPoM]

A mushroom walks into a bar. bar tender looks up and says "We don't serve your kind here". the mushroom says "Why not? I am a fungi".

[DusterIdiot]

Gotta use the clean version of this one...

A bear and a rabbit are tromping around the forest together, scrounging for food and being buddies.

Bear suddenly stops and tell the rabbit to hold up he has to take a squat.
Rabbit nods and says he has to go to...A few minutes later they're done with business and getting ready to move on when the bear looks at the rabbit and says 'Boy! That sure was a nasty grunt. Say rabbit ol' buddy, does poop stick to your fur?"

The rabbit looks at him and say "No! Why?"

The bear reaches down, grabs the rabbit and cleans his bear rump....


-D.Idiot

[emsvitil]

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Ralph. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Ralph says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Ralph asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'

_________________
Ed
64 Valiant 225 / 904 / 42:1 manual steering / 9" drum brakes

[Jeb]

If a quiz is quizical, then what is a test?

_________________
82 D150-225/727
02 Dakota-3.9/5 speed
87 GMC C7000-8.2 Detroit Diesel/5+2

[Ceej]

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well-taken care of. He calmly came over to me so I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out..

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for a few weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with six children, two of them under the age of 3. He's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

_________________

Tyrde-Browne Racing

I'm off to find myself. If I should return before I get back, keep me here.

[stonethk]

A skeleton walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender looks at him and says:
"Can I get you anything?"
The skeleton replies:
"Yes, a beer and a towel please."

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