The Joke Thread

[exoJjL]

[PauloftheWest]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.

Bartender asks, "What is with the steering wheel?"
Pirate responds, "Yarrrrrr, its driving me nuts!"

_________________
~Less think, more do

[olafla]

A melon farmer had problems with thieves, each night some melons disappeared, some were also eaten in the field. He tried to keep watch, but always nodded off. Then he came up with a bright idea. He set up a large poster with the text:

Beware, one of the melons in the field is filled with deadly poison!

In the following mornings, he was pleased to see that nothing was disturbed in the field during the night. Until one morning when he noted that someone had added an extra line to his poster:

And now there are two!

Olaf

_________________
Aspenized

[olafla]

One day a bewitched frog hopped along the road, when she met a man.
'If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess', she croaked to the man.
The man picked her up, and put her in his pocket, without uttering a word.
After a while, the frog loudly croaked in the pocket:
'If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess, and I'll stay with you for a week!'
The man lifted the frog out of his pocket, looked at her for a while and smiled, before putting the frog back in his pocket.
After some more time had passed, without any kissing action, the frog desperately croaked:
'If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess, and I'll stay with you for a whole year and I'll do anything you like me to do!'
The man lifted the frog out of his pocket again, looked at her for a while with a smile on his lips, and put the frog back in his pocket.
That made the frog croak again, at the top of her voice:
'But HELLO there! Why won't you just kiss me? I'll turn into a gorgeous woman and the perfect girlfriend, I'll fulfill all your desires for a whole year, and I'll be the perfect woman of your dreams, and all that for just a little kiss?'
Then the man took out the frog again, and told her:
'Hey, listen, I am an IT-consultant, I get my food from vending machines, I have virtual sex only, I have no time for a girlfriend or other distractions!
But having a talking frog, how cool is that!'

Olaf

_________________
Aspenized

[slantzilla]

Understanding Engineers #1
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to
the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice, The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers #3
A priest, an ophthalmologist, and an engineer were golfing one morning behind a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we let
them play for free anytime..."

The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said, "That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them."

The ophthalmologist added, "Good idea. And maybe I could examine them to see if there's anything I can do for them."

They were silent for a moment.

Then the engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers #4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers #5
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers #6
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline adjacent to a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers #7
Normal people believe that if it isn’t broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it isn’t broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

_________________
Proud supporter of Mike Jeffrey Racing Engines since 1999.

[1974duster kev]

Two jumper cables walk into a bar, the bartender says to them listen you two if your gonna start stuff then just get out of here.

Did you hear two antennas got married? The wedding was ok but the reception was better.

Kev

_________________

[emsvitil]

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe....as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding!

Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts to his master:


"Master, Master!.....The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

_________________
Ed
64 Valiant 225 / 904 / 42:1 manual steering / 9" drum brakes

[emsvitil]

I pointed to two old farts sitting across the bar and told my friend "That's us in 10 years".











He said "Dude, that's a mirror"

_________________
Ed
64 Valiant 225 / 904 / 42:1 manual steering / 9" drum brakes

[emsvitil]

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?' '
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

_________________
Ed
64 Valiant 225 / 904 / 42:1 manual steering / 9" drum brakes

[emsvitil]

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3year old daughter.
Mother: "what does the cow say?"
Child: "Moo!"
Mother: "Great!! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow!!"
Mother: "Oh you are so smart!! What does the frog say?"

And this wide-eyes little 3year old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "BUD!!!!"

_________________
Ed
64 Valiant 225 / 904 / 42:1 manual steering / 9" drum brakes

[emsvitil]

Old man and Viagra

An old man goes into a drug store to buy Viagra
"Can I have 6 tablets, cut into quarters?"
"I can cut them for you" said Dan the pharmacist, " But a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection"
"I am 96" said the old man. "I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers."

_________________
Ed
64 Valiant 225 / 904 / 42:1 manual steering / 9" drum brakes

[Ceej]

CJ

_________________

Tyrde-Browne Racing

I'm off to find myself. If I should return before I get back, keep me here.

[Slanted Opinion]

On my way to work this morning I crashed into a car that had stopped in front of me. The back of the car was smashed to pieces.

The driver of the car I hit turned out to be a dwarf! He threw open his door, and got out of his vehicle, his face red with anger. "I am not HAPPY!" he yelled.

"Ok" I replied. "Which one are you, then?"

And that's when the fight started.

[Ceej]

Merry Christmas!

CJ

_________________

Tyrde-Browne Racing

I'm off to find myself. If I should return before I get back, keep me here.

[emsvitil]

Enlarge for full effect:

_________________
Ed
64 Valiant 225 / 904 / 42:1 manual steering / 9" drum brakes